waiting is emotionally draining

This has been a rough, crazy couple of weeks/months.  I apologize for the horribly written post you are about to read.  I just kind of needed to get this all out.  Write it down so I don't forget what happened and is happening.  

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As you all know we have been working with a fertility specialist trying to have another baby.  The stars aligned and we had a perfect cycle.  I got a positive pregnancy test in the evening of all things then Aunt Flow came for a visit.  my doctor sent me for a beta test and the levels came back low.  It was assumed I was having a chemical pregnancy.  My numbers needed to hit zero for me to start a new cycle.  With the mass amount of things that needed to happen for us to start the next cycle (assuming my numbers hit zero) we quickly adding up.  Family would need to be told, which we did not want to happen, and hours of driving just for a small shot at the cycle working.  It wasn't worth it so we decided to take a break.  More of this later.  I want to keep things in order of how they happened.

 Thanksgiving we had the in-laws stop in for a visit.  We kept buttoned up about all of it.

I was told by the nurse to take a pregnancy test in a week or so to make sure my beta levels went down.  A week later about mid day I am cleaning out my nightstand and see an old digital pregnancy test and figured what the heck lets just try it.  It's old anyway.  Worst case it tells me invalid.  well not what I expected.  It told me "pregnant."  In complete shock I call hubby and ask him to pick up more on his way home.  He does and I take both an early response and a digital.  Both came back positive.  So the doctors is closed because it's Friday at 6pm and they don't open until Monday.  Guess I will be waiting.  
The next morning I take another test.  faint positive on the early response, but it is lighter than it was the evening before.  No big deal, I'll call the doctor on Monday.  

We went to the grant tree farm to pick out our Christmas tree.  Everything was fine however when we got home I noticed I was bleeding again.  Clearly its not good.  I held off for a few hours and then decided to go to the ER.  I needed answers.

The ER was basically a waste of my time.  The ER doctor did nothing.  He did not want to do anything because I was seeing a specialist and because I wasn't feeling anything more than moderate cramping he told me to wait until I can see my doctor.  I was fed up and pushed for them to draw blood for a beta which I should add was the worst experience I have ever had getting blood drawn in my life.  That is another post for another time.  After the blood draw the ER prick Doctor pops his head back in to tell me that they tested my urine sample for pregnancy and it came back negative.  Not pregnant.  I am baffled by this point.  what the hell is going on.  If i can trigger a digital shouldn't their test have come back positive?

Overnight be betas came back and they were no where near the range they should have been.  I called the fertility doctor the morning.  Since my betas were too far apart there was no viable data for them to know.  I went to get a beta 2 days later.  

The number barely went up.  Certainly not the 40% needed for this to be viable pregnancy.

I was and am heartbroken over this.  You hope and you pray and you see the positive and then the world gets flipped and you're dealing with the fall out.  

My fertility Doctor had me come in for some additional tests and to discuss how to proceed.  Since my numbers were so low there would be nothing that could be seen on an ultrasound so there is no real way of knowing but he believed I may have an Ectopic pregnancy.  For those of you unfamiliar with that term it means a pregnancy outside the uterus, most commonly in the Fallopian tubes.  They best course of treatment is to get a Methotrexate shot.  The shot blocks folic acid which is needed for cell growth, thus stopping the cells from multiplying.  This would allow my body to absorb the cells.

I went for the shot.  I trusted my doctor.  The thought of the what if's from not getting the shot terrified me.  They weren't as painful as I thought they were going to be.  Actually the harder part was walking into the labor and delivery section of the hospital past the well baby room.  Emotionally I was a wreck.

The side effects from the shot were minimal.  I was tired and slept a lot.  I am thankful hubby was off to care for Bear.  Now all I could do was wait and get betas drawn.

The first one came back and my numbers were going down.  We were excited.  The shot worked and I began to feel less nervous about it all. 

The second beta was did not go down.  It in fact shot up higher than my numbers had been before.  This meant another shot.  Another awkward walk past those new babies.  This time I had no choice but to go by myself.  

With shot number two done I was a wreck.  The first beta after it the numbers went up.  That isn't uncommon though.  The next beta the numbers went down.  I could finally breathe again.

The following week the beta level was cut in half.  

This brings me to present time.  I am not back at zero, yet.  I am however under 100 which is a big improvement. 

From here we wait and get beta tests and wait some more and get some more beta tests.  I need to have the beta level reach zero before we can proceed with anything at this point.  

This has not and is not an easy thing to go though.  Especially not when you go through it over the holidays.  This didn't ruin them but it did put a damper on things.  Especially when everything is closed!  ugh so frustrating.  

For now we are laying low, just dealing with everything.  Getting back into the swing of things and waiting for my beta level to hit zero.  Until then prayers and warm wishes are much appreciated.  

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