The house full of kids playing peacefully with each other.
Sitting down to dinner with a table full of children eating a home cooked meal playing with their food and chattering away.
Being woken up by kids at the break of dawn on Christmas morning while they rip open presents shouting in excitement with big grins on their faces.
All dreams I have had over the years. You realize with each passing month that the reality of these dreams my never come to fruition. That what you see in your dreams isn't what you thought it would be. I'm not just talking just about about the kids getting along perfectly because we all know that's every parents wish but a rare reality. Rather for me it's the focus on the number of kids that are sitting at that dinner table.
When we first were married we asked each other how many kids we wanted to have. We both agreed that we wanted a minimum of two kids but no more than four. As long as we could provide for them and maintain what we felt like was an appropriate standard of living then four kids it would likely be.
After learning about my infertility that number would change. The dreams of four kids around the table faded to three. With the realization that we are here again talks of that number dropping once again have come up. The number is dwindling and I'm not sure that I like that. I am also not sure that I can go through this process for a third time. Facing this new reality for me is hard. It's one that will take time for me to come to terms with.
Until then I will keep focusing on getting through this cycle.