Wednesday, July 30, 2014

infertility take two

Aside from those of you on here who followed along on our first leg of the journey through infertility and those handful of people we talked about it with in our real lives, it is relatively unknown that we struggled at all to conceive.  Those who did know had mixed feelings about it.  I got everything from an outpouring of strength and comfort (shout out to Mrs. K) and then others who were not so kind about it at all.

"If god wanted you to have children you would." and "Just relax it will happen." were sadly two of the top responses when hearing that we were struggling to conceive.  I am not looking forward to the judgement this time around.  Nor am I looking forward to whatever people have to say about it. 

Then it happened.

I got my first comment on it.

"You should appreciate the child that you have and leave it at that."


I have no idea how to even begin to wrap my head around that.  How does wanting another child, a sibling for Bear, mean that I don't appreciate the one that I already have?  You wouldn't say this to someone who was pregnant with their second child but had no fertility problems.  How is it that you wouldn't have said that to them but it is acceptable to say that to me simply because getting pregnant does not come as easy to me?

It's comments like this that give me anxiety.  That make me think twice before I open my mouth to share our struggles even with those close to us.   It's these kinds of statements and opinions that people spew out of their mouths when silence would be much more appreciated.

The other side of the coin isn't any easier to take.  People who knew before are afraid to ask us if we want more children.  They are afraid to ask if infertility is still a problem.  So they don't.  They stumble around words or topics and avoid the giant elephant in the room.  Either way though judgments are passed.  They just don't say it directly to us.

I'm not sure which is better.  All I know is that this time around it feels different.  Not better, not worse, just different.  

Friday, July 25, 2014

The standard update

As most of you know to expect these bullet point posts so lest just jump into them...

  • We looked into hourly day care for Bear.  I have a few appointments coming up that I can't take him to so we will need childcare.  Since I haven't been able to find anyone who is willing to watch Bear that means the next step was looking into the Hourly Day Care on post.  I wasn't impressed.  Among the problems, Bears' diet still mainly consists of formula out of a bottle (judge me all you want but its the easiest way to keep weight on him) and the day care will only feed him milk out of a sippy cup.  We are going to try to ask for a doctors note to get the formula out of a bottle allowed.  No really it must be stated as such.  I also am not thrilled that they provide the sippy cups and food for that matter.  Snacks I get but I try to feed Bear all organic.  Clearly post day care is not going to feed him all organic.  Its laughable in fact. Another problem is that Bear would be one of the youngest there.  He also isn't fully walking on his own which to me could be good or bad.  Then we went on the tour of the room he would be in and the gym where his class was for indoor recess.  The only kid in the class that wasn't walking was just sitting in the middle of the floor doing nothing.  Just sitting there looking rather unhappy.  None of the 3 teachers were even bothering to interact with him.  It was so noticeable that Hubby mentioned it to me later that night.  I know this is what you get with standardized military day care with a 5:1 or 4:1 student teacher ratio.  I get it I do.  Honestly I'm just hoping to find a good sitter and I'm will to pay to get one at this point.
  • I have officially decided that I am over this location.  We have been here for 2 1/2 years and still have about another year to go.  Frankly I am beyond over the high heat, excessive humidity, mass amount of bugs, Hubby's long work hours, and the lack of unity in his unit.  I know all aren't like this but seriously people?  I have no less than 10 bug bites on me at any given time.  It's been in the 90's for several months now with no end in sight.  I also can't tell you the last time hubby spent more than 30-40 minutes with Bear if he gets to even see him at all during the week.  This location has beaten me down.  I'm tossing in the white flag and counting down the days until we leave.
  • That being said I want to make the time we have left not a total loss.  I want to downsize.  I want to go through every box that we own.  Especially the ones we toss aside.  You know what I'm talking about.  The ones that you haven't opened in 2 locations but still hold onto for no reason.  That's my goal here; to downsize.  If you haven't used it in 2 locations odds are I'm not going to. My big reason for this is that we live in a 4 bedroom home.  Don't get me wrong I love the space but its overkill.  We don't need to have a room for storage.  A closet sure, a corner maybe, a room no way.  Thus the spring Summer cleaning on steroids!
  • I'm on the hunt for a good biscuit recipe.  Anyone have one they love and are willing to share???  
  • And because this post needs a picture, here is one of Bear.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Top 1yo toys for Bear

Since Bears Birthday just past I figured I would share a few of his favorite toys.

Mega Blok CAT Truck -

This is by far his favorite toy.  He moves it around, tosses the blocks or whatever else he wants in the back, and obviously dumps them out.  This is an endless process for him.  I do like that it is a great starter for the mega blok toys.  He really doesn't know how to stack the blocks but that will come with time.

munchkin squirtin' bath toys -

They run about $10 for a set but I think they are well worth it.  Bear loves these both to play in the bath and out.  I break up the set and put some strictly for bath and the rest strictly play.  I found when I mixed the two water would be everywhere if we didn't drain them properly.  They also didn't last as long.  Overall these are a hit!! 

Infantino Go GaGa Texture ball set

This was an impulse by from hubby for his birthday when we were roaming the PX one day.  I believe they are also sold at target as well.  I wish we had picked it up earlier because he really loves it.  When he gets bored with one ball he moves on to another one.   It's a set of 6 despite what's in the picture. I'm sure the other ones are somewhere around the house. 

kiddie pool -
We had a bigger 6' pool but he preferred the smaller one.  All of his toys stayed pretty close to him.  It had a textured bottom and sides like most kiddie pools have.  The one thing I would like to add to the pool are those old fashion adhesive tub grips to the edge.  I want to give him more grip under his foot when he tries to climb in and out of it.   
Topzy Tumblers Tubtime Tumblin' Boat - This toy was has the big tug boat, a small boat (he's chewing in it), a tube float of sorts, and two weighted "people".  The people remind me of weeble wobbles with a loose weight.  He didn't really know what to do with them but he did enjoy pushing the boats around.  Overall I think these were a good buy!

The little mouse, The Red Ripe Strawberry, and The Big Hungry Bear

He can not get enough of book.  It warms my heart as this is one of my favorites.  I am so happy I chose to get this in a board book.  We don't have that many of them but this was an excellent addition to our collection.

Tunnel - When I ordered this last item off it said online it was for 12mo+ but when it arrived it was for 3+. Yup the pop up tunnel I so wanted for bear was the wrong starter age.  Oh well.  We gave it to Bear anyway.  Since I figured it would only come out if he was playing with it with us, I didn't have an issue with it.  His first trip through the tunnel showed why it is a 3+ toy and I simply believe it is because you could sent the thing rolling.  I rolled up a blanket in either side to keep it relatively stationary while he crawled through.  At the end of the day he loves it.  He throws his toys in and goes to get them while crawling through.  If I want an hour of easy entertainment with him this is my go to toy.  

What does or did your kids love at one year old?

Monday, July 21, 2014

It begins again

*WARNING:  I use this space to talk about anything and everything that is personal to me.  Some things I should likely keep to myself but let's be honest this little blog is cheaper than therapy. 
In writing about certain topics I have also been able to connect with many people who are in similar situations.  The biggest of which in our struggle with infertility.  I ask that if you continue to read on further and we are friends on Facebook (or any other social media for that matter) or more importantly in real life I ask that you please keep this to yourself. Yes I realize just how contradictory it sounds to post this info on a public blog but not want to talk about it with everyone in mine/our life.   Thank you in advance for respecting my/our privacy.

Also note since I am discussing infertility that means things like talking about my lady bits, periods, and that's sort of of stuff will occur.  If you stop reading from here I don't blame you.*


Today starts the second act so to speak of our infertility journey.  Once again I am not getting consecutive monthly periods and that brings us back to square one.  More doctors visits, more medicine, more ultrasound, likely more injections, and a whole lot more disappointment.  I hoped and prayed that pregnancy would fix everything but it hasn't.  There was a small glimmer of hope once my period returned after having Bear.  I did in fact get 3 consecutive textbook cycles.  I was hopeful.  Then as the days and weeks slipped away on the next cycle and still no sign of a period or that allusive positive pregnancy test.  My hopes were crushed.  I was a blubbering mess realizing that the we are going there again.

I know what to expect this time around.  What the appointments will be like.  What the injections will do.  Even what that negative pregnancy test will feel like.  The one thing that has changed is that I know I can get pregnant.  I know I can carry a baby... to mostly full term.  That knowledge will not however serve me well this time around.  My expectations will be higher.  Sadly I also know the crashes with be equally as hard.  After all we are here again.

The first time we went through this we were on a time constraint.  Hubby's deployment was creeping closer and closer.  If we did not get pregnant before he left it would mean another 8 months lost.  The time constraint now is a PCS (Permanent Change of Station).  We move next summer.  Our goal is to be pregnant before we leave here.  The thought of having to go through all of those preliminary testing, filling out forms, and going through courses of treatment that I know won't make an ounce of difference because some PCM (Primary Care Manager) wastes my time because thinks he knows more than he does.  I am comfortable with the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) we used before.  After all he helped up conceive Bear.  I'm sure there are plenty of other doctors out there that are as knowledgeable as him but the RE is blunt and honest.  He doesn't sugar coat things or give you false hope.  I like that in a doctor.  I'm sure most people wouldn't want that but I do.  I need someone to keep me grounded.  To tell me what my real expectations should be.

So here we are again.

I got my referral to the same RE after jumping through all the hoops that TriCare expects.  Now I wait.

My first RE appointment isn't until Mid September.  I'm not sure how I feel about all of this but it is a step in the right direction since we want to expand the family.

Friday, July 18, 2014

love it, Hate it (July)

All the time i 

Lets starts with the Hate it list
  • Blueberry Pecan Baked French Toast...
    I know right! It looked so yummy and smelled so yummy but I need to tweak the recipe to make it super yummy.  It's a recipe my friend gave me and frankly I think there was just too much stuff.  Too much sugar (did I just say that?!?!) and far too much blueberries.  I'll post it once I perfect it.
  • High expectations for Bears first birthday.  I seriously thought the day would be perfect but it was anything but that.  He had no idea what to do with the smash cake.  Let's ignore the fact that he never had anything remotely close to it even if it was just a cake with mashed bananas and whip cream.  Frankly he hated it.  Oh well.  The day wasn't all that bad but a cranky baby on his birthday is not what I expected.  Next year I will lower my expectations.
  • The book "baby proofing your marriage". Frankly I think was a huge miss.  They had the potential to make that into something good I barely made it through the book.  They babbled quite a bit, talked in circles, and droned on about topics we clearly understood.  In my opinion if you want to read it hit up the library and make sure you get it back on time as I don't think it's worth even the late fees. 
  • Bears one year check up went ok but he has only gained ounces since his last appointment 3 months ago. He has gained in height though.  The doc isn't too worried about it but he does want us to bring him back in a month to check it out.  Here I thought we were out of the woods with this whole weight issue.  I mean the kid eats like crazy.  Ugh.  I'm just so defeated about it all. 

The things I loved...  There are plenty this month so I will try to narrow it down.
  • Bear has been battling some pretty nasty diaper rash this past couple of weeks.  It's been just terrible and we tried everything.  Thankfully my friend told me to mix equal parts Desitin and Aquaphor in the palm of your hand (or an old jar) and over apply it to baby's bottom.  After one full day of use and it looks a million times better.  
  • Finding toy storage I can live with for the next few years to hold Bears toys.  We have a toy chest but I needed something to organize the growing number of toy.  This was what I picked up.  They should be arriving on my doorstep sometime today.  
    Despite the picture above I got them all in black with cream trim.  I just couldn't find them pics of them all online.  They were a bit pricier than I would have liked but the were the prettiest ones I could find that I thought Hubby would be ok with.  They will serve as our toy storage for anything Bear is currently playing with.  I figure once he out grows a toy we I will find a better way to store them long term. This will likely mean a combination of Ziplock bags to hold small toys, space saver bags for all fabrics/stuffed animals, and big Rubbermaid bins to dump it all in.  I'm so creative right?  lol. Even I have to laugh a that.
  • I am loving Drew Barrymore's makeup line Flower.  You can find it at Walmart for a reasonable price.  Try any of the lip products, nail polish and eye shadows.  So far they are all awesome products!  The mascara not so much.  I should add that there is no single makeup line out there that is stellar in every area.  To me this line has some awesome winners and worth checking out.
  • If you haven't tried this before you need to!  
    Take a banana and peel back just one layer so that it looks like a boat.  Scrap out a well the length of the banana.  Add chopped walnuts, chocolate chips, and marshmallows.  replace the peel and wrap in tin foil.  Heat in the oven/toaster or over a campfire for 15-20 minutes until everything is melted.  Seriously its a bite of heaven!

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Dear Bear : 12 Months

Dear Bear,

WOW one year.  One whole, long year.  You have grown and changed so very much.  This transformation has been incredible to see but it wasn't without its struggles.  From the very start with your dramatic entry to struggling to keep weight on you.  All the while though you have had for the most part a happy attitude despite the struggles.  That attitude has stuck with you and I don't see it going anywhere.  I have also learned that you like things your way and are strong willed enough to push to make it happen.  I'm positive this trait will make things interesting in years to come.  

Quick Stats

Weight:  So I clearly have been way off on your weight.  I thought you would be around 19lbs this month and as it turns out you are only 17lbs 13 1/2oz. 

Clothing Size: Finally after stretching out several small sleepers I moved you up to 6-9mo/9m clothing.  I prefer you in shorts and a shirt than sleepers.  You look much older in them.  Then there is also the fact that it is easier to check and change your diaper in them.  I don't think you favor anything in particular.

Diaper Size:  You are still in huggies size 3 diapers but now at least when you are at home I am cloth diapering you more and more.  I don't think you notice or even care about the switch which I love!

Sleep:  You sleep like a rock at night.  now that you quickly and for the most part quietly lay down at night and for naps life is pretty easy.  Well easier.

Food:  We have had to get more and more food for you to try and enjoy.  So far there is nothing that you don't like.  I am excited that you are moving up in this area.  Your favorites are banana, peach, 

Baby Sign: once again we really haven't been working with you on this.  I need to dedicate more time to it now that the house is slowly put back together.  On the plus side when I do use it you seem to understand more.

Favorite Toy: Much to my surprise the activity table has held on as your favorite.  I swear you could play with that thing for hours.  No complaints here about that though.  

Favorite Book:  I think you have gone back to the Biscuit storybook collection.  You like seeing the puppy.  You call poor Biscuit "Coco."  I think in your mind you think all dogs are "Coco."   

Teeth:  There are 6 teeth in your mouth still.  I'm hoping the next 2 show up soon as I think they are bothering you.  

On the move:  For the first time on July 2, 2014 you took your first independent steps after bath time.  I will never forget screaming with excitement as you walked to me to get that silly puffer fish bath toy you had dropped.  It was only 2 solid steps but independent steps none the less.  Your father came running out go the bathroom to see but he missed it.  You thankfully took several more when we had you walk from your dad to me and back again. It was exciting and all before your first birthday!  Now if only you would trust in your skills!!!

4th of July: Wow it's your last first holiday.  It was a quiet day at home where we played with the toys Grandpa sent you.  We Barbecued the typical hamburgers and hot dogs although you aren't ready for those foods just yet.  You did however got to try watermelon and peaches.  You loved the peaches.  Later that day we gave you a long bath before watching Paw Patrol with you.  You yelled "Coco" at the TV the majority of the time.  I think you believe all dogs are named "Coco."  At night we set off some fireworks.  We tried to keep to ones that were quiet like the fountains and sparklers.  You seemed confused by them and didn't like when daddy or I went near them.  Unlike most kids your age, you didn't cry.  Not one tear.  I was very proud of you for that.  

His birthday morning selfie
First Birthday:  You woke up in a good mood but the day went down hill unfortunately.  It was your party and boy did you cry!  Its OK though because you will have plenty more.  After breakfast we had you open your gifts from extended family members.  Then skyped with Grandma and Grandpap.  They got to watch you play with your toys a bit.  You loved the boat that your Godparents gave you.  Even more so when put in the kiddie pool we got you.  I have never seen you more happy than you were in that pool.  You stayed there for at least a full hour if not more.  I am happy to report you woke up from your nap in a much better mood thankfully.  The rest of the day went pretty smoothly.  I think you like the routine.  Knowing what to expect just works for you.  
I chew them right?

I wish we had taken more than just this pic of him in the pool.



Thursday, July 3, 2014

One Year Ago Today...

I headed off to the hospital 33 weeks 4 days pregnant with a terrible headache and feeling like crap.  Little did I know that I wouldn't be leaving.  At least not that day anyway.  The world wind that would be the next two to three weeks were some of the hardest of my life.  Hubby was days away from deployment, I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia, Bear was born just 2 days later at 33weeks 6days, I got released from the hospital without Bear in my arms.  The biggest kick in the pants of them all was hubby deploying literally less than 24hours after Bear left the hospital.  Adjusting to new parenthood and worse yet doing it with your partner on the other side of the world has shaped and changed my parenting style.  Some ways for the worse.  Bear cried more than I would have liked.  I never would have sat him down in front of the tv for short periods of time to wash the dogs are power clean the house.  Most of all I think I could have pumped longer if I had an extra hand.  However we are dealt the cards we get in life.  No second chances,  no repeats.  Yes, this was hard.  Anyone who says it wasn't is lying to you.  Through the hard times, I learned to trust myself and my parenting skills.  I learned that I in fact "got this."  

Now 1 year to the day (and almost the hour) I got ready to leave...  Snapped this picture of my growing belly...

put the puppies in their crates with a milk bone and I walked out the door assuming I'd be sent home.  I was admitted instead. It was as I said before a world wind. One I hold dear.  One that brought me my active, fiercely independent, smiley little boy.

In an effort to save you all from me recanting the next couple of weeks on this here little blog of mine, I shall instead leave you with this and that.  Links to Bears' 2 part Birth Story.  

Barbie Hair Fixes Part 1

Let's jump right on into it.   Every doll hair fix tutorial I could find started with brushing out the dolls hair.  It may look worse...