Its been a whorl wind the past 7 weeks between having a baby in the NICU, to bringing him home, to saying goodbye to hubby. Most days I feel like I am existing instead of enjoying what I am doing. Don't get me wrong I love my son. I love spending time with him. However some days it I'm lucky to take a brush to my hair. When did this become difficult to me?
I miss sleep. I miss working out. I miss cooking dinner. I miss my neat and clean house. It seems like most days I must pick one and only one of those to be done per day. Some days I catch up on sleep while others I feel the need to clean.
What ever happened to those days where I did it all? I cooked, cleaned, did all of my school work, worked out, and took care of two kids that had a list of demands of their own. I should mention for those of you who don't know that I was a nanny throughout college and a bit beyond that. Granted I was 18 then. I was in the best shape of my life then. I had more energy then. Lack of sleep effected me less then.
Why can't it be that easy for me again? Why can't I spring out of bed at 5 in the morning take care of mudbugs needs and when he takes his morning nap do whatever it is that needs to be done even in part.
Instead I feed and take care of him and while he naps I pump and if I am lucky I can grab something to shove down my pie hole before he wakes up an hour later with a dirty diaper.
The truth is that the over worked 18 year old I once was is batter and bruised. My hair has more gray that now requires a dye job every 3 months. My body is looking more postpartum then it should for someone below their pre-preggo weight. My energy levels feel like they are at an all time low as I adjust to new motherhood.
I had it easy those first 2 weeks while he was in the nicu. Not emotionally but physically. I could wake up when I wanted because all I had to do was pump. There was no screaming newborn for me to console and feed. Pumping was my main goal. Yes I realize how selfish this all sounds as I type it. Its not about me anymore but about him. However experience has taught me that I need to take care of myself a bit too in this process.