Now and then

Its been a whorl wind the past 7 weeks between having a baby in the NICU, to bringing him home, to saying goodbye to hubby.  Most days I feel like I am existing instead of enjoying what I am doing.  Don't get me wrong I love my son.  I love spending time with him.  However some days it I'm lucky to take a brush to my hair.  When did this become difficult to me?

I miss sleep.  I miss working out.  I miss cooking dinner.  I miss my neat and clean house.   It seems like most days I must pick one and only one of those to be done per day.  Some days I catch up on sleep while others I feel the need to clean.

What ever happened to those days where I did it all?  I cooked, cleaned, did all of my school work, worked out, and took care of two kids that had a list of demands of their own.  I should mention for those of you who don't know that I was a nanny throughout college and a bit beyond that.  Granted I was 18 then.  I was in the best shape of my life then.  I had more energy then.  Lack of sleep effected me less then.

Why can't it be that easy for me again?  Why can't I spring out of bed at 5 in the morning take care of mudbugs needs and when he takes his morning nap do whatever it is that needs to be done even in part.

Instead I feed and take care of him and while he naps I pump and if I am lucky I can grab something to shove down my pie hole before he wakes up an hour later with a dirty diaper.

The truth is that the over worked 18 year old I once was is batter and bruised.  My hair has more gray that now requires a dye job every 3 months.  My body is looking more postpartum then it should for someone below their pre-preggo weight.  My energy levels feel like they are at an all time low as I adjust to new motherhood.

I had it easy those first 2 weeks while he was in the nicu.  Not emotionally but physically.  I could wake up when I wanted because all I had to do was pump.  There was no screaming newborn for me to console and feed.  Pumping was my main goal.  Yes I realize how selfish this all sounds as I type it.  Its not about me anymore but about him.  However experience has taught me that I need to take care of myself a bit too in this process.

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