running or running away?

*this is posted from my iphone. It's a headache to edit so I am not even bothering to do so. Sorry.*


In Highschool I started running. I hated most organized sports. I mean why on earth do I want to learn about softball or tennis when I have absolutly zero desire to ever participate in them? After weeks of me refusing to participate the teacher asked me what she could do to get me to do something. "I don't know" I replied. The next class I came back and asked her if I could run instead of having to learn all of these useless activities. To my suprise she agreed. I ran two to three miles every class from then on.

When I was in college I decided I needed an escape. I hated the majority of my roommates and all the drama that was going on. It didn't hurt that I also needed to lose a few pounds. I would wake up early and hit the gym. 20 minutes on the treadmill and then weight training for 30 minutes. After classes were over I would do a bit of studying and then go for a long run just about the time the drama in the house began to get unbareble. I would leave as all of the fighting began and get back just as my room was clearing out for the evening. A quick shower, a bit more studying and then off to party with my friends.

 After college I slowly stopped running. I was working two jobs and at one point three. Add in Graduate School and I couldn't seem to find time in my busy schedule to run. Circumstances changed and I moved back home. Family drama was in full swing around me and I quickly turned to running once again. It got me out and away from it all, even if it was only temparary. No matter how busy I was I found time. Looking back on it, running was a time in which I didn't have to think about anything going on around me. It was a time I would have all to myself. A time not have to think. No drama. No fighting. Just the sound of my feet hitting the pavement. It was peaceful and quiet. Two things I couldn't seem to find anywhere else.It has been about three years since I made running a priority.

 My life in those three years has changed completely. I moved away from my family and away from the drama and stress that they bring me. My household is peaceful and quiet for the most part. I find no need to escape like I used to. My schedule is now wide open. Often I find that I have more time on my hands than I know what to do with. All excuses I could possibly make are gone, yet everytime I set out to start running again it doesn't seem to stick. Every couple of months thst desire to run again creeps into the back of my mind. I enjoyed running in the past and I want to enjoy it again. I get into running for all of a week. Running everyday trying to push myself like I did before. Doing the same things that I did before. Only its different now. My mind races along with every stride I take. I can't get out of my own head like I did in the past. That feeling that someone flicked a switch in my brain the moment I took that first step out the door is gone and I want it back. That sounds so simple to do but it's not. I want that feeling I would get during and after a great run. A feeling I lack the words to really describe. Its that very feeling that causes me to want to run again. To find mt stride among my thoughts. I'm not looking to run away I have in the past. I just want to run. I guess the two look an awful lot alike, but feel so very different.

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